10 ways to have an anti-racist wedding

This blog post highlights ten ways you can practice anti-racism (take meaningful action to address, oppose and dismantle racism and work towards equality) when planning your wedding.

Language: I have chosen to use the term ‘people of colour’ throughout this article to talk about people who are discriminated against due to racism. I acknowledge that though this is a term that I’m comfortable to use to describe myself at this point in time (I am a Brown, Muslim, cisgendered woman with an Arabic name), it is not one that is chosen or approved by everyone who experiences racism. I respect the right for people to define themselves on their own terms, so please feel welcome to share how you’d like to be referred to in the comments.

Context: It’s also important to note that the social construct of race and resulting racism encompasses not only skin tone, but also discrimination relating to ethnicity, nationality and different religions, cultures and beliefs.

1. Choose your venue carefully.

The venue is often the first thing that most people book when planning their celebrations. Lots of historic venues carry pasts rooted in colonialism (including many museums, art galleries and stately homes and gardens). We can’t change the past, but the ways in which we talk about and take accountability for historic injustice are important. For example, does the venue you’re looking to work with have any information on its website and at the venue itself which acknowledges the racism within its past openly and honestly and shares a clear, practical plan of action to address it? For example if it’s a museum, are they working and changing the way in which they talk about enslaved people and getting rid of or challenging colonial phraseology like ‘journeying to the New World’? Are they working on restitution such as the return of items to countries and communities they were taken from? Are they hosting tours and talks by people with lived experience? Whose stories are being centred and how are they being told?

How are they engaging with anti-racism work and do their actions match their words? Be prepared to have uncomfortable conversations, do your research and hold fast to your values. Examples of venues and organisations exploring their racist pasts and presents include:

• The Ashmolean Museum in Oxford, which put out a podcast exploring decolonisation and restitution in the museum industry and has hosted talks on the notorious legacy of the British Empire. It also has a section acknowledging its roots in colonialism on its website and you can go on an Uncomfortable Ashmolean tour of the museum. ‘These walking tours are run by doctoral students from the University of Oxford and […] the aim of each tour is to discuss the collections of the Ashmolean with a critical eye – highlighting uncomfortable spaces in the Museum, colonial origins, contentious histories and subject matter.’ 
• The National Trust, which has a public-facing report you can read on its findings regarding its histories of colonialism and slavery and its intended next steps, has pushed back against discrimination, death threats and hate-fuelled criticism to hold itself accountable and continue to address its past.

When visiting venues, take a moment to really look and consider: does the art on the walls or any statues in the spaces where your wedding is taking place glorify colonisers or key figures from history who enabled slavery? Does any of it dehumanise or mock people of colour? Consider how this might make people feel, particularly guests who share these identities, and how you yourself might feel looking back at photos containing this in the context of celebrating your love.

If you’re looking at newer venues, remember that these might also have links to current day practices that are harmful to people of colour (for example, if the venue has been paid for by people who have made money through businesses which don’t pay workers reasonable wages, exploiting renters etc or if there is an ethnicity pay gap or funding received from harmful sources). Racial trauma is not something that is solely connected to the past, it is very much presently perpetuated today. Do your research, have conversations with venues to get a sense of their values an check out their social media. Hold fast to your values, and make the best decisions you can. Often a huge portion of wedding budgets goes on the venue, and where you spend your money matters.

2. Make sustainable and ethical choices.

The wedding industry is responsible for catastrophic levels of waste – from food to clothing to single use plastics to the carbon footprint made by guests, international flower imports, and more.

In 2018, Sky Ocean Rescue reported that British weddings create plastic waste that weighs as much as 47 blue whales every year! A hideously enormous percentage of plastic waste is dumped unceremoniously in countries inhabited by global majority populations and indigenous communities where it wreaks havoc on people’s health and ecosystems.

Global warming is also hitting countries inhabited by indigenous communities and people of colour incredibly hard, with temperatures rising beyond levels people, plants and wildlife can bear, whilst affecting food production, water safety and many other aspects of health.

The mining of materials like diamonds and gold can come at unjustifiable cost to people’s lives and the planet, so think carefully and where you might ethically and sustainably source wedding jewellery and engagement rings. The garment industry is also rife with exploitation and modern-day slavery practices and is responsible for devastating quantities of clothes going to landfill, so wear what you have or hire garments where you can, or if you must buy new, source clothing from ethical brands and watch out for greenwashing.

Anti-racism goes beyond the work we do in our own back yards – it matters on a global scale. Make sustainable and ethical wedding choices, including choosing suppliers that champion these ethics, such as Mercedes at 4YaParty for wedding styling and decor, Adeela at Fauxevermore for gorgeous faux flowers, and other fantastic suppliers accredited by the Sustainable Wedding Alliance.

3. Have that uncomfortable chat with your racist relations to reduce the risk of racism happening at your wedding.

That uncle who makes racist comments about the number of Brown cashiers at their local supermarket, that friend from school you keep around to relive good memories that starts their sentences with “I’m not racist but…” followed by a racist remark…

Excusing their behaviour because “they’re from a different generation” or you just want to “keep the peace” is not ok. First, anti-racism work is not new – it may have been called different names in previous years, but your elders witnessed significant moments in history where people of colour and allies were fighting for their freedom and rights. Having humanity and respect for all human beings is not a concept that started in 2020 and it’s ageist to assume that older people “don’t get it”. Second, if you’re keeping silent, you’re not achieving peace at all, you’re just choosing to condone racism over having an uncomfortable conversation – I’m overcoming my people-pleasing urges to be direct but honest with you here!

If they’re invited to your wedding, it’s time to lean into discomfort and address their behaviour.

Here are some really simple things you can do to have helpful conversations to support improved relationships, practice allyship, and hopefully have more authentic and accountable relationships with them:

• Questioning and having open dialogue – get clarity on the intention and meaning of what was said and address this without minimising or ignoring the impact on the person/community being discriminated against.
  • “Tell me more about that…”, “what makes you say that?”, “why do you feel that way?” – can you challenge stereotyping and prejudice by learning more about why someone is expressing this position?
  • “Where did you hear that?” – is there a credible source of information you could signpost them to instead/some correcting of misinformation you can do?
• Affirmations – expressing your allyship for the person and community being discriminated against and backing this up with meaningful action.
• Supporting the person experiencing harm if they’re present and still checking in with them if they’re not.
• Address the situation directly and setting your boundaries and bring the focus to the behaviour rather than the person.
  • “I don’t agree with that at all, in fact I feel the opposite way…”
  • “What you said there was racist and I’m not ok with that.”
  • “I don’t know if anyone has told you already, but that word/phrase is racist because… Try X instead.”
  • “Please don’t use that word/phrase around me. It’s racist.”
  • “I won’t accept racism at my wedding.”
• Circling back to a behaviour with the person privately if that would be more effective.
• Remember that anti-racism work includes challenging anti-Semitism, Islamophobia and other forms of discrimination associated with religion and beliefs and the perception of those who are practicing or assumed to be practicing them.

4. Choose businesses that are owned by people of colour and that champion diversity and inclusion.

There are lots of amazing businesses owned by people of colour and allies that champion diversity and inclusion. However, ‘Black female business owners, and female business owners from Asian and other Ethnic Minority backgrounds experience the lowest levels of business success’ according to research by the British Business Bank and Oliver Wyman (2020). Supporting these businesses helps to address systemic and structural racism that disproportionately disadvantages women of colour.

Inclusive wedding-wear spaces such as Rasha Kashou Studio provide wedding dresses with a range of ‘nude’ linings and illusion tulle to serve all skin tones. Rasha has also actively campaigned for greater inclusion in the wedding-wear industry.

Alt Wedding Fair and Rebel Love have directories where all suppliers are required to evidence their commitment to equality, diversity and inclusion, and you can use filters to search for businesses owned by people of colour with intersecting identities including being owned by women, disabled folk, and LGBTQ+ folk.

5. Avoid cultural appropriation.

If you’re drawn to a tradition (including clothing, hairstyles and celebration rites) from a culture that isn’t yours, first ask yourself the following questions:

• Why am I drawn to this tradition?
  • Am I treating it as “just something a bit different” or seeking to copy a perceived “trend”?
  • Do I actually understand and respect its cultural and/or spiritual roots and origins – what do I really know about this tradition?
• Do I experience privileges that the community this tradition comes from does not? Have they been discriminated against when practicing this tradition in the past and present?
  • How do I feel about this inequality and what do I want to do to address it?
  • Am I leaning into stereotypes when I perform or adopt this tradition?
  • Am I being exploitative or doing this without having received consent?
• If I choose to incorporate this tradition, how can I honour and respect it meaningfully before, during and after my wedding, and support my guests to do the same? How can I practice cultural appreciation (more on this below)?
• Are my suppliers culturally competent and treat the traditions I’ve chosen with humility and respect rather than referring to them as a ‘quirky’ or ‘exotic’ choice? Connect with suppliers who are doing anti-racism work – this is something you can ask about during discovery calls.
• Also, be mindful of spaces like photobooths where cultures can be treated disrespectfully as costumes, and if you’re having a themed wedding, choose a theme that steers well clear from cultural appropriation too.

Ensure your intentions are sincere, genuine, and in line with your ethics, and that your decisions are informed by knowledge from reliable sources, endorsed by people from the culture of that tradition.

For more on this, check out Nova Reid’s advice from her article: ‘How to avoid cultural appropriation at weddings’, which is heavily quoted along with really helpful video resources and commentary in Festival Brides’ blog post . (At the time of writing my own blog post, the original source for the article – Nu Bride’s blog is unavailable). Nova Reid, founder of Nu Bride, is an incredible anti-racist activist and educator, whose book The Good Ally and anti-racism education offerings are vital sources in understanding racism and how to dismantle it.

6. Practice Cultural Appreciation.

Appreciation of other cultures can be incredibly important, and it doesn’t have to lead to appropriation. For example, your ceremony, reading and music choices can be great spaces to celebrate diversity and our shared humanity through including the work of people of colour. Choose poetry, prose or songs that resonate with your thoughts, feelings and values, and correctly credit the writers.

If you’re having an independent celebrant-led ceremony, choose a celebrant who’s culturally competent and practices cultural humility (they don’t claim to know everything there is to know about a culture and is open to being corrected or offered alternative interpretations), and who is someone that shares the same values as you (you can explore this in a discovery call). Do the same with any musicians, bands, DJs or other entertainment suppliers you might be looking to hire.

7. Boycott brands that support and contribute to genocide and apartheid.

Many large corporations and businesses profit from the suffering of people of colour who have had their human rights taken away from them due to prioritising greed and actions rooted in white supremacy and colonial capitalism. One of the most effective ways you can use your power to create meaningful change is in choosing where you save and how you spend your money.

Saving

If you’re asking for guests to contribute to a honeymoon/house fund, set up an ethical bank account to receive these funds and switch your other accounts to banks with better ethical credentials. Did you know that many banks invest in fossil fuels, weapons or other unethical practices? Barclays and HSBC are two of the worst banks complicit in the genocide of Palestinians and multiple human rights abuses, and many other big banks aren’t much better. A really easy read with good advice on ethical business banking is in this article from Ethical Consumer. Consider banking with Triodos, Nationwide or other banks who have better ethical credentials.

Spending

By refusing to spend money in places that support genocide, apartheid and illegal occupation, we have the power to create influence through exercising financial and economic pressure.

To support you in making ethical choices through participating in the Boycotting, Divestment and Sanctions (BDS) movement, which was instrumental in bringing about an end to apartheid in South Africa, here are some really helpful resources you can use:

• The No Thanks app – free to use and great for everyday and extraordinary purchases from bigger businesses including supermarkets and budget and designer brands. This also contains links to reports and evidence explaining why any brand featured on there is on the boycott list.
• Ethical Consumer’s list of alternatives to boycott-list brands – a great resource that can help you to switch out boycotted items for ethical alternatives.
• BDS guidance – the BDS movement is a nonviolent Palestinian-led movement promoting boycotts, divestments, and economic sanctions against Israel. Its objective is to pressure Israel to meet its obligations under international law
• The Boycat app and plugin – track your impact with an adorable kuffiyeh-wearing cat plugin for your web browser or install the app to help you step away from brands on the boycott list
• https://bdnaash.com/ – this tool enables you to check – without downloading an app – if a business or company is associated or profits from the illegal Israeli Occupation of Palestine.

8. Choose an inclusive photographer.

When picking your photographer for your wedding, ask to see portfolios and albums that showcase people with a broad range of skin tones so you can see their skill in shooting and editing moments that celebrate and include people of colour.

I’ve also had the privilege of connecting and working with photographers including Jess Rose and Ami Robertson, who are dedicated to political photography that supports anti-racist causes alongside their beautiful wedding work. What are the stories your photographer tells with their photos and how much do they support and practice anti-racism?

9. It’s about the journey and the destination.

If you’re planning to have your wedding, pre-wedding or post-wedding celebrations abroad, here are some top tips to practice anti-racism along the way:

• Learn about the culture, politics, history and systems (such as healthcare and education) of the place you’re travelling to and how you can support local community equality movements while you’re away.
• Learn about how safe the destination is for people of colour, and how racism and colourism manifests in situations such as profiling in airports, prevalent attitudes in the region you’re travelling to, and any political unrest. How might you need to show up in allyship with people of colour, including guests and suppliers, who are there to celebrate you?
• Travel often ramps up your carbon footprint so look at methods of transport to keep this as low as possible while you’re away, like riding bikes and using public transport.
• Lean into discomfort to explore your own biases and how ethnocentrism (negative judgement of other cultures compared to how you view your own) might show up in your thinking and behaviours.
• Make an effort to communicate using local languages wherever possible and spend money with small local businesses rather than global companies.

10. Keep your wedding planning rooted in love, including love of community and humanity.

Your wedding is a time to celebrate love on several levels: love for who you are as individuals, love for your relationship and the person or people you’re in love with, and love for the people who you’ve invited to celebrate with you. And it’s this notion of love for each other, of honouring our communal belonging and equal rights as human beings, that is also rooted in anti-racism work.

In her beautiful book, All About Love: New Visions, Bell Hooks (anti-racist and trans-inclusive feminist activist) writes:

“A love ethic presupposes that everyone has the right to be free, to live fully and well. […] Commitment to a love ethic transforms our lives by offering us a different set of values to live by. In large and small ways, we make choices based on a belief that honesty, openness, and personal integrity need to be expressed in public and private decisions. […]

Like any relationship, we know that love alone is not enough to sustain us, so keep on top of your learning too (in addition to Nova Reid’s work, I love learning from Tony Nabors @racialequityinsights on Instagram and the anti-racist research done by the Runnymede Trust).

Hold yourself accountable (Mia Mingus does incredible work on this) , knowing that we will all make mistakes and get things wrong because we’re human. Return to your values rather than chasing perfectionism (incidentally, the whole “perfect day” narrative and pressure of weddings is something I’ll have to get into in a future blog) and practicing compassion towards yourself as well as others is vital.

And finally, don’t treat anti-racism work as something daunting or unsurmountable, rather embrace it as something that will bring you joy because it will bring you closer to who you are and what you believe. And it will bring you even deeper love for yourself and others.

“I know no one who has embraced a love ethic whose life has not become joyous and more fulfilling. The widespread assumption that ethical behaviour takes the fun out of life is false. In actuality, living ethically ensures that relationships in our lives, including encounters with strangers, nurture our spiritual growth.”

Bell hooks

What other advice would you add to this list? Let me know in the comments!

In joyful celebration of all that you are,

Aliya (she/her)

P.S. If you have been affected by any of the topics covered in this blog, please know that your wellbeing matters. If you’d like to talk, here are some organisations that are here to listen and help.